Beyond · the · Asphalt · Barrier

The more time passes the less there is to say.

The more time passes the more I see.

Each day there is a touch of wonder, and the earth completes another revolution.

And the stars silently burn in their slow, slow dance.

Our Talented Slumlord has just texted me to ask if the drain for the kitchen is fixed yet. Yeah, I can tell from school whether or not the sink is fixed. Funny, I thought that's what the landlord was doing today - fixing the drain for the kitchen sink and dishwasher.

The sink overflowed so much this weekend that everything from the sink and under-sink cupboards had to be removed. There were a lot of dishes and utensils stored in the flooded cabinets which are towel-dried and awaiting cleaning on the kitchen floor. The drain is clogged far down enough prevent the use of the sink or dishwasher.

The bathroom is working, yes, but it's all torn up due to remodeling that was SUPPOSED to last one day. Bleaching every single bathroom surface and then washing the dishes in the shower really is not an option BECAUSE SO MANY OF THE SURFACES CAN'T BE BLEACHED! Exposed drywall and dust and weird 1950's insulation falling down from the ceiling! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

This too shall pass.

Hell, it beats that damned rotating church shelter and sleeping on the sidewalk in a bad part of SF.

-Ouzel-

Scarcity deepens.

Haven't a clue what's going to happen, re: groceries.

Might have to resort to dish-washing detergent for showers.

If I want to go to the beach, I'll have to walk from Palo Alto or San Jose.

But I can pay rent.

And I can shower.

And I am very, very grateful for the opportunity to study.

And I am very, very grateful to have what I have.

And I am REALLY REALLY grateful to have the mess straightened
out re: those medical bills.

Just... Frustrated.

And praying for dawn.

I will go to Humboldt State University, and have food, and
complete my Masters in Education, and do the work I was born to do.

Hell, I got this far somehow...

-Ouzel-

Save for the migraines, problems with Valley Med sending me bills for thousands of dollars that I'm NOT supposed to be being charged for, NOT having my ADD medication (problems with the Valley Hospital pharmacy again), and being quite hungry -- life is good. Looking forward to voting next week. Looking forward to catching up with school.

November 15th I get paid and am having pizza. Been craving pizza for weeks and damn it, I'm going to get some pizza. Some dark chocolate, too.

-Ouzel-

At 3pm I leave work to get the broken molar extracted. This is a GOOD thing.

After I get said tooth extracted, I can go home and sleep.

Nugget, the housemate's TV addicted budgie, has a new friend named Freebird.
They are happy. Just not especially clever as budgies go. Very much prefer
having non-human, benign creatures in the household to not having them.

-Ouzel-

The sense of gratitude within for all of the wonderful things the universe has graced upon my humble life permeates each and every atom of my being.

Teeth hurt on a daily basis, and the insomnia continues to be the root of numerous health problems. I am grateful for the pain, and the happiness in other areas of my life.

(If thoroughly aware that there's a deep seated need for music, dancing, and laughter in order to continue the long process of recovery).

Recent world events, in particular, the worldwide food shortages, are the source of much grief and prayers. The memory of starving is fresh in body and mind is sharp despite the passage of time.

It just serves as a reminder to work hard so that there WILL be a time I can do something about it.

-Ouzel-

Kocianko's cancers were worse than I had been informed of, she was on a great deal of morphine when I saw her Saturday. She did not want me to leave, nor did I want to leave her.

I am grateful for num3472's treating me to a hearty birthday lunch that day before heading up to SF/Berkeley solo. I am grateful to have had the chance to see Kocianko one last time. I am grateful to the_warrior_king for meeting me up in SF afterwards, and that galleries featuring the works of Salvidor Dali and Theodore Suess Giesel were open...

And now, my left shoulder is pulled and smarting.

Really need to make it a priority to go to the ocean and do a cleansing meditation.

-Ouzel-

Yesterday I woke up @ 4am sharp to get up to join other students in a rally to oppose California State Budget cuts to education in Sacramento. I am proud to have been one of the thousands in attendance.

Students were in attendance from as far south as Los Angeles.

We were some of the least self-promoting, but likely the most creative sign-makers of all of the schools. And the only campus with multiple persons among us using mobility devices to join the march.

Our students met with one of the legislative reps, attempted to meet with others -- leaving names and a list of concerns with their administrative assistants. Have decided that the Capital building is a highly surreal place.

Quite a few of the interns wore very nice clothes of the sort I would not have been able to afford even when in middle management. (Tailored wool envy).

Arrived home completely exhausted -- yet ecstatic, because it turns out that the cable the guys get has a Classical Music Channel which had some delightful stuff playing I never would have heard on that boring commercial-run place out of SF.

-Ouzel-

So, apparently, my body requires more goats milk. The broken teeth began screaming in pain again today-meaning that just the supplements alone are not sufficient for rebuilding what was lost in calcium last Summer, which caused the enamel and gums to deteriorate to that point to begin with.

Feels like I have been kicked in the jaw. Has felt like that since appx. 5pm this afternoon.

Must call Valley Med in the morning, among other things, to see about maybe getting in at that emergency dental clinic they have on Tully Road during the week of Spring Break. In the mean time, I think I will be getting some of that dental desensitizing stuff & peroxide-fortified pre-brush mouthwash with that Target gift card a friend gave me, then coughing up for a carton of goats milk (damn you Target for discontinuing the stuff! I must walk to Whole Paycheck instead, grrrr!)

According to the allergist, I have an especially rare reaction-potentially lethal, to a class of latex-mimicking protein present in not only avocado, but also in bananas, kiwifruit, and potatoes. So, it would be prudent to stop eating bananas, kiwis, and potatoes -- cooked or no. No potatoes makes me sad, but the possibility of sensitizing myself to the point of having more than just certain types of grasses and avocado send me into anaphlactic shock makes me even more sad.

Yeah, seems I am EXTREMELY allergic to a certain class of grasses. Which would explain why my skin gets so itchy certain times of year near open, untended spaces of land. At least I'm OK when it's only the trees that are fucking.

-Ouzel-

A week ago I had to call 911 on the person I share a room with (until the end of the month) for refusing to give me the mail key. The policeman had a great sense of humor, and made it quite clear that restricting access to mail is, indeed, a Federal Offense -- and that the mail key is NOT her personal property. I normally am not in the habit of calling 911 for personal disputes, BUT I WANTED MY F*ING MAIL!!!!

At least she (house-mate) has stopped waking me up in the mornings by screaming at me (for now).

A dear friend called this evening to tell me about her current non-drug induced hallucinations as I was writing a paper. I worry about her, UC Davis does not seem to agree with her.

I have officially been disqualified from financial aid.

Losing a great deal of time to system shutting down in sleep states which last for sometimes as much as 20 hours a stretch. (Perhaps my subconscious mind is trying to make my house-mate disappear by 'sleeping' her away).

Seeing a portion of skin exposed on a dear friend Sunday evening has caused a resurgence of inappropriate feelings. Being anything other than sibling friends would fall very much under the heading of (as Dr. Chicanski would say) VERY BAD IDEA.

Next week is finals, after that, the great unknown.

Life is f*ing weird.

-Ouzel-

Today has been like a David Lynch movie without the backwards talking dwarves, synthetic chicken, enormous classic Buicks, femme fatales, or Kyle MacLachlan.

Still looking.

Talking with Project Sentinel did nothing to improve confidence.

-Ouzel-

So, I can no longer get food from Cupertino Community Services because I do not live in Cupertino any longer.

I can't get food or services from Sunnyvale because I do not have a rental agreement from my new (soon to be vacated place). Or *ANY* services. They will not accept anything other than a rent agreement to prove residency -- a requirement for use of their services.

New housemate flagged me down as I was halfway down the street to tell me that my plant had fallen down and broken. Her English is not so good, it was the carafe for my blender -- which had fallen from the drying rack AFTER I had left the house... She insisted I clean up immediately (thus missing bus). So I no longer have a blender to make breakfast with using my frozen berries.

Dear Ghods, it probably would not have worked out anyhow- new housemate is so intrusive, asking how often I bathe, waking me up when she has questions, complaining about how everything is setting off her allergies, etc.

The woman from Project Sentinel half-seriously suggested I squat at the place for April.

Things have to get better, impatient for things to get better.

-Ouzel-

The migranes have been so severe that I have been missing quite a bit of class and work -- not to mention vision, but the doc says that they are NOT due to a tumor or eye pressure.

And today I had a massage on my arms... Which have been in such pain that on nights I don't have migranes, I could not sleep.

Progress is BEAUTIFUL!

-Ouzel-

Going out of state was a GOOD thing.

Still losing weight unintentionally, rapidly.

Life is full of challenge, and yet, there is always room for wonder.

And, with a lighter body, movement is more enjoyable -- it is good
to be moving, most vital for surviving... At this point survival is
everything.

It is good to have phone and Internet access once more.

Even if a friend did interrupt me in the middle of a really kick-ass
sex dream the other day with a phone call about absolutely nothing of
importance.

There is always room for gratitude, wonder, and awe.

-Ouzel-